candy silo.

the other day, while scoping all the candy bins at the temptations chocolate factory in alhambra, my friend asked me a question:

if you were stranded on a deserted island like tom hanks in cast away and the only thing you had to eat for the rest of your life would be like coconuts and stuff, and whatever occasional wild boar or fish you catch, but then one day you find a silo, and in that silo is an unlimited supply of candy, but it could only be one type of candy-- what candy would you want it to be?

first, let's assume melting is not an issue. like, the silo is in the middle of a cool spring that keeps the candy fresh and edible.

obviously any fruit-based candy would be a waste, because there's probably fruity stuff on the island. so you want something chocolate-based. most any chocolate candy would be welcome.

except mounds. if i found mounds in there, i would go coco-nuts.

your basic hershey bar is simple and classic. maybe you'd think at first that a fancier softer chocolate, like lindt or dove might be nicer, but i don't think that would work in the long run. eventually, you would be craving the hard low-rent chocolate of your youth.

easter bunnies would be good, because you could give them personalities and befriend them to help retain the illusion of your sanity.

they say a dark chocolate is good for your heart, but i get sick of dark chocolate after a few bites. if it was the only chocolate i had for the rest of my life, i would cry every night. and white chocolate is not technically chocolate, so you'd want to forgo that, unless we're possibly talking about cookies 'n' creme.

and now we're getting into chocolate bars with crunchy things in them. like crunch, or krackel, or mr. goodbar, or something with almonds. i'd say go for it, because you wouldn't get tired of something like almonds. it's like an extra treat with your chocolate. nothing with toffee though, because then you just won't have teeth when you die.

you'd want to stay away from a chocolate bar that only has caramel in it. eventually, the caramel would drive you insane, and i mean beyond the level of insane that you already are just from living on a deserted island (the same goes, i'm sorry to say, for reese's peanut butter cups).

peanut butter? no. marshmallow? forget it. nougat? nougat is okay. what you want to avoid like the plague is any chocolate whose filling is primarily gooey.

but if there's something else in there with the goo, then you can consider it. like, twix would be open for debate, because it also has cookie. twix was one of my go-to candies for a time. snickers is a little heavy. i don't know if you'd want to deal with a rich, chewy snickers bar every time you want to have a chocolatey treat. then again, something with a lighter filling, like three musketeers, might leave you dissatisfied in the final analysis.

kit kats are solid all the way. you could definitely handle that long term, and the ritual of breaking them apart would keep you sharp and interested.

movie theatre candies? nix junior mints, because they break my deserted island candy silo rule of goo. goobers or raisinets? your call. though you mightn't want something that would always bitterly remind you that you don't get to watch movies ever again. milk duds? you'd have to be out of your goddamn mind.

and what about the slightly more unconventional chocolate-covered treats? that's definitely something to consider. you could go for chocolate-covered gummi bears (or "muddy bears") or chocolate-covered pretzels (or "flipz"). they're not my favorite, so i wouldn't, but i wouldn't kick them out of your mouth either.

so what would i pick? it's a tough question. ever since i was a little boy, my favorite candy bar was butterfinger. i liked that it touted itself as "crispetty, crunchetty, peanut buttery." i liked that its texture was weird, unlike any other candy bar when you ate it. i liked that it was always connected to the simpsons through advertising during the show's golden age. it was like part of my identity. if ever pressed to consider my favorite candy bar, i knew that it was butterfinger. but butterfinger would be a little too extreme for hypothetical silo purposes. so even though it's like tearing off my own arm and beating a loved one to death with it, i'd have to say no to butterfingers in my candy silo.

i think the answer is m&m's. and not just any m&m's. because most m&m's variants (milk chocolate, dark chocolate, peanut butter, and pretty much every limited edition flavor) are automatic disqualifications. and if you're wondering, something like almond, pretzel, or even the defunct crispy m&m's would be okay. but i'm talking peanut. peanut m&m's.

each m&m is a self-contained treat, so you can always eat as little or as many as you want. the different colors keep you engaged, which is great for after your mind breaks. you can try to calculate which colors are more plentiful or rare and ponder the limitless implications of your findings. you can fantasize that each color tastes subtly different. you get chocolate, you get peanuts, you get a crispy candy shell. you get that courier-style m on every piece, to remind you of civilization. and more often than you'd think, you get those weird mutant m&m's where two or three have kind of fused together. the party will never stop.

so what's your candy? have you worked it out yet? more importantly, has this exercise helped you realize how lucky you are to live in a world where you have access to all manner of untold varieties of candy? you could go to the candy store tonight and fix yourself a bag of sour neon gummi worms, peach rings, and chocolate malt balls. you could score yourself some smarties, sweet tarts, airheads and warheads. or you could just treat yourself to your favorite chocolate bar.

and to think, as you read this, that tomorrow you won't have to deal with a reality where you're marooned in a place where no one will ever again see you or know you, where you will struggle to survive as long as you can before finally succumbing to an all-too-soon death, alone, forever.

presumably.