super bowl xlvi commercials.

here's some thoughts on the commercials that ran during super bowl xlvi.

- there were a couple commercials announcing the new bud light platinum. i didn't like these, mainly because i didn't understand what bud light platinum was. like, what is it? does it taste better than bud light? is it better ingredients? sometimes companies are so in love with themselves, they forget what advertising is supposed to be.

- there was a car commercial where a bunch of draculas are meeting out in the dark woods for a party and one of the draculas is driving there in his new car. when he gets there, he incinerates all the other draculas, because apparently the headlights of this car are so good, they're like sunlight, and sunlight kills draculas. this was a dumb gag and i doubt it would accomplish anything toward convincing someone to buy a car.

- there was a commercial where elton john is a medieval king whose subjects are performing for him, and he decides if their performance is good enough for them to get a pepsi. lame concept, lame execution, lame flavor flav cameo at the end. it was as if pepsi was going out of their way to brand themselves as irrelevant. which, if deliberate, would have been funny.

- there was an m&m commercial introducing the new m&m character, a brown female m&m (was that vanessa williams doing the voice?). the gag was that the other m&m's thought she was naked because her brown candy shell looked like the chocolate underneath, and apparently m&m's can remove their candy shell like it's clothing. it's sad how many commercials sound like everyone just went with the first idea that popped into their head.

- there was a series of coca-cola commercials revolving around a bunch of polar bears, i guess watching the super bowl? didn't really "get" these. none of the charm of the original understated polar bear ads.

- there was a chevy commercial where a guy was driving through a landscape showing the aftermath of several simultaneous doomsday scenarios. he meets up with his buddies, but one of them is missing, because he bought a ford truck instead of a chevy and it couldn't stand up to the apocalypse. this one was great. best commercial of the night.

- there was a godaddy commercial involving body paint and a couple of hot girls, one of whom was fitness guru jillian michaels. didn't get it. why was jillian michaels there? godaddy commercials are dumb.

- there was a trailer for battleship, which involved a lot of fighting alien robots or something. why is the battleship movie about transformers? not every hasbro movie has to be literally the same thing.

- there was a budweiser commercial showing people celebrating the end of prohibition with a bunch of budweiser. not really sure what the point of this one was. to make me think about prohibition and what it did to america? it's so depressing.

- there was a commercial where a dog kept committing sinister acts, and every time his owner was asked about the bad thing the dog had done, the dog would bribe him with a bag of doritos to keep quiet. not a groundbreaking premise, but it was okay. why doesn't the man simply buy doritos, as they are inexpensive and abundant?

- there was one where this couple got their kid a minifridge or something as a high school graduation present, but they were standing in front of a new chevy car and the kid thought that was his present and was celebrating really hard over it. this one was good, but i was a little confused, because i didn't catch immediately what the real present was. like, i THINK it was a minifridge.

- there was something for g.e., which was like some guys talking over beers. unmemorable, especially on a televised event historically known for having lots of beer commercials.

- there was a short version of the trailer for disney's john carter. i really don't see the point in spending all this money and not even showing the full trailer.

- there was a trailer for dr. seuss's the lorax. dreamworks is really advertising the shit out of this thing. makes me not wanna see it.

- there was a commercial for vw about a dog who's too fat to go through his doggie door, so he embarks on a workout montage and then in the end, he's in good shape and he can jump through his doggie door. this was a nice commercial, but really had nothing to do with the car vw is trying to sell. if you make a car commercial, and it's not about the car, it will probably never cross my mind, as a viewer, to consider purchasing the car. then at the end, there was like an epilogue to the commercial, of ancillary star wars characters in the mos eisley cantina, watching and reacting to the commercial, and darth vader shows up and force chokes one of them. like darth vader would ever be hanging out in a shithole like the mos eisley cantina, like he's some ordinary asshole and not the malevolent ruler of the galactic empire. this is all because last year vw had a stupid commercial involving a little kid dressed like darth vader. who gives a shit.

- there was something where david beckham is doing some sexy modeling for h&m. don't know what that is.

- there was a thing where people are doing crazy stunts in a chevy sonic, like corkscrew flips and bungee jumps. that was kinda cool. but like, whatever.

- trailer for phantom menace 3d. it's always a pain in the ass to see 3d movie trailers in 2d, because it's just a series of shots specifically edited to show you how cool it looks in a 3d venue, which this is not. you have to watch it and PRETEND that it's in 3d.

- new trailer for the avengers. not the full trailer, but a chunk of it. stop making me go online to see the full version of your advertisements. it's either worth showing when the whole world is watching tv at the same time or it isn't.

- there was one for skechers shoes about a weird dog who wins a dog race because he's wearing little doggie versions of the shoes. and he moonwalks through the finish line to a tone lōc song. cute. not gonna buy the shoes.

- there was a doritos commercial where an old woman launches a baby in a sort of makeshift bungee catapult to snatch a bag of doritos away from some little shit who's taunting them about having the doritos. i didn't like this.

- the e-trade baby was talking to a guy about e-trade at the newborn viewing window of a hospital. at the end of the commercial, he sees another talking baby inside the newborn room, asks that baby what he's doing, and that baby says, "speed dating." that was fucking gross.

- trailer for g.i. joe 2. something this movie has going both for and against it is that g.i. joe 1 may have been the worst movie of 2009.

- they kept showing a thing saying how you could win a million dollars through this nfl fantasy game. nobody in their right mind seriously cares.

- there was a bmw commercial where a guy pulls into his driveway just as his car is reading him a text from his wife saying that her mother came for a visit. the man promptly pulls out of his driveway and drives off. where the fuck is he going? nice joke from the 50's!

- there was a thing about how beverage companies are all collaborating to provide lower calorie options for vending machines in schools and stuff. i liked this because i'm totally in favor of curbing this obesity epidemic that's destroying the country or whatever.

- there was a commercial touting the importance of fresh biscuits over frozen ones. i thought that was a good message. but then it turned out to be an ad for disgusting carl's jr.

- there was a commercial where madonna is in an elevator with jay leno, and we hear "like a virgin" start to play, so jay leno answers his phone. get it, because that's his ringtone. jay leno sucks the life out of everything, just through his very presence. he is the antithesis of everything comedy is supposed to be.

- then there was the madonna halftime show. i wish they didn't fill the performance with all these flavor-of-the-moment walk-ons. seeing a living legend perform her own music should be thrilling enough.

- there was a commercial where all the judges from the voice are battling each other kill bill style in a hotel as they race to discover who is belting out a song in the shower of one of the hotel rooms. when they all arrive, they discover that the talented singer is actually betty white. she says, "it's about time someone recognized me for my voice, instead of my body." wow, how did they ever get the idea to have betty white do something you wouldn't expect from an old granny? surely not from the past several decades of betty white doing ONLY that? at this point, i think the only way betty white could ever subvert expectations would be to act like a fucking normal old woman.

- there was something of clint eastwood talking about detroit or something. i think he said it was halftime in america or something? i wasn't really paying attention because i was recounting that stupid betty white thing to my friends who were out of the room.

- a time warner cable commercial that began with ricky gervais denying a friend request on his phone. then a bunch of other shit happened, but it was all way downhill from ricky gervais.

- there was a commercial where a coke zero deliveryman is trying to discretely buy a pepsi max at the supermarket and he ends up winning a big pepsi max-themed sweepstakes. it started with the song "your cheatin' heart," an homage to the original pepsi commercial this is based on, from super bowl xxx in 1996, which was of course far superior.

- a greek yogurt commercial with john stamos. he sure loves being greek.

- a funny car commercial where jerry seinfeld was figuring out ways to bribe this guy into giving up his spot as the first person to buy some new car. but then jay leno fucked up the whole thing by showing up and being a lame unfunny piece of shit. i think jerry is team leno. what a shame.

- then there was a sequel to that budweiser prohibition commercial that showed a nostalgia-fueled montage of all the decades since, with people i guess enjoying themselves thanks to budweiser. this just seems crass. you're not a fucking soft drink.

- a thing showing the evolution of football over the years. i've never liked football, and you're not gonna get me to start liking it with a stupid commercial.

- something for jack-in-the-box about a guy getting married to bacon. liked it better 100 years ago when pee-wee herman married a salad on pee-wee's playhouse.

- a car commercial where matthew broderick spoofs ferris bueller's day off. real gimmicky, doesn't tell me anything about the car. all i know is that in his entire career, broderick has never played a character quite like ferris-- and he's still got it.

- trailer for act of valor, a new movie starring active duty navy seals. glad they're not wasting their time over there.

- a metlife commercial with snoopy and a shitload of other cartoons. let's chat for a sec about target audience.

- a hyundai commercial where the front passenger apparently has a heart attack and the driver saves his life by accelerating and braking the car, causing the seatbelt to administer chest compressions on the dying man. really inappropriate. some of these ad agencies ought be ashamed of themselves.

- something where people at a party say "here we go" and a trained doggie fetches them beers. YOUR COMMERCIAL IS STUPID.

- the sandman goes into a bedroom and sprinkles magic sand on a couple, but he accidentally gives the man too much sand, so his dream gets really over the top, and at one point even breaks into the wife's dream. is that what would happen? i was thinking a magic sand overdose would simply put the man into a terminal coma. i think this was for a car. what is it about writing commercials that turns people into morons?

- careerbuilder commercial with an office full of chimps. because chimps... sorry, i lost interest.

- a commercial for samsung androids that made fun of people who wait in line for an iphone. doesn't make me want to get a samsung android. i have an iphone and i didn't wait in line to get it. i like this iphone. this commercial was boring and lame.

- a chevy commercial where bugs were climbing onto the grill of the car so they could enjoy the ride. whatever.

and that's about it. the super bowl itself was kinda dumb. toward the end of the game, the giants were trying to stagger their yardage so the patriots wouldn't have enough time to catch up once they got the ball. this resulted in the patriots clearing a free path to the end zone, and when the giants player was getting close, he tried to stop himself from actually touching the end zone, and ended up falling backward and accidentally scoring a touchdown with his butt. then the patriots' victory/defeat came down to a single hail mary pass into the other end zone that a hundred players from both teams all jumped up to catch. they missed it and the giants won. good. i really don't care about these or any other teams. except maybe the dolphins, because i grew up in miami. i heard that if peyton manning joins the dolphins, they could go to the super bowl next year. that would make me happy. otherwise, i don't care for football in the slightest.