end-of-superhero-movie sequel teasers.

i'm talking about the scenes at the end of superhero movies that introduce a surprise element to give you a little tease for the sequel. they've become so routine that they are starting to feel obligatory. i'm going to trace them back as far as i can remember and rate their success level, from most awesome to most shitty. let's begin.

SPOILER WARNING: the following contains massive spoilers for every movie discussed.

x2: x-men united (2003)
director: bryan singer
this is the first instance i can remember of a sequel tease at the end of a superhero movie. it was before they started doing them post-credits. the movie ends with jean grey sacrificing herself for the team by drowning in a dam explosion while mind-lifting the x-men's jet to a safe height. the very last shot is a bird's-eye of the water where she died, and right before the credits roll, we can barely start to make out a shape forming beneath the surface-- it's the symbol of the dark phoenix, which is the villain that she is resurrected as in the comics. i doubt most moviegoers knew about that or even noticed the shape, but the comic book nerds noticed, and they crapped their pants. unfortunately, the promise of dark phoenix would go on to be realized by brett ratner in 2006's disappointing x-men: the last stand.

batman begins (2005)
director: christopher nolan
this one is my favorite, which is funny, because i don't think nolan was trying to do the whole bandwagon thing of superhero movie sequel teases. the whole bit is actually lifted from the ending of frank miller's graphic novel "batman: year one," which inspired a majority of batman begins. it's the last scene of the movie. lieutenant gordon uses the batsignal for the first time and talks to batman about the possibility of batman's presence creating a sharper breed of criminal. he cites an example; a new guy they're looking for who leaves a distinct calling card. he hands batman a small evidence bag. batman turns it over to reveal a playing card with a joker on it. batman responds, "i'll look into it." then they have another little exchange, batman takes off, and the movie ends. it was so thrilling to see this for the first time. the tease was perfect-- subtle, and flowing naturally from the scene. and nolan totally delivered on this setup with heath ledger joker in 2008's the dark knight.

x-men: the last stand (2006)
director: brett ratner
among other really stupid plot developments, x-men: the last stand sees the introduction of the "mutant cure," a single injection which magically and permanently turns any mutant into a regular human. during the titular battle, magneto gets stabbed with like five injections of it at once, so he loses his powers. the last scene is magneto in the park, just an anonymous old man playing chess. we see him holding his hand out toward a metal chess piece. the piece is still. suddenly, it moves a teensy bit. cut to credits. this was kinda cool, but there was never a sequel to follow up on it. there was also a post-credits scene where the voice of the slain professor x emanates from the body of a braindead coma patient; a weird payoff to a sly setup earlier in the film. this was not as cool, because what are we talking about? charles xavier is alive in some other dude's body? i'm not sure i would've liked to see that play out, although i'll be god damned if it doesn't make me curious as shit.

iron man (2008)
director: jon favreau
this was the gamechanger. tony stark reveals he's iron man, cut to credits, and then, in a post-credits scene, he is visited by nick fury, a character who was designed to look like samuel l. jackson in the comics, and who is now being played by samuel l. jackson in the flesh! fury wants to talk to iron man about the avengers initiative. this was the first step toward the marvel movie universe where superheroes can cross over into each other's movies, all culminating in 2012's the avengers, a milestone in superhero cinema. this was a good one.

the incredible hulk (2008)
director: louis leterrier
this one was post-movie, pre-credits, because they were afraid people would leave early and miss it. it was also a little curveball-- instead of nick fury visiting bruce banner, we get tony stark visiting general ross. i think this was because they were considering the incredible hulk as a potential villain for the avengers. moviegoers were still reeling from robert downey jr's excellent first outing as tony stark (the movies came out a month apart), so this one was pretty cool.

iron man 2 (2010)
director: jon favreau
this one was kinda dumb. iron man 2 already felt a little unfocused because of all the avengers nods. then the post-credits scene was agent coulson in the new mexico desert, calling in a mysterious discovery... which turns out to be thor's hammer. this isn't like flashing a joker card, okay? moviegoers had no frame of reference for this; it was total comic book nerd stuff. and worst of all, it had nothing to do with the movie it was in. whatever.

thor (2011)
director: kenneth branagh
this one was nothing special. the post-credits scene shows dr. selvig meeting with nick fury about a mysterious object (the cosmic cube/tesseract) that may hold untold power, and then it's revealed that the doc is under the mind control of an invisible loki. uh oh! this will be important later!

green lantern (2011)
director: martin campbell
oh my god. okay. this is the second-worst one of these of all time. so in this movie, sinestro is a good guy green lantern, just like he was in the comics before he became the yellow ring-wielding archenemy of hal jordan. throughout the movie, we see him suggesting to the guardians of oa that they should make a yellow energy ring so they can use the dangerous yellow energy to possibly defeat parallax. the guardians are like, no, stop suggesting that. then the movie ends, and during the credits, we see sinestro putting on a yellow ring and presumably becoming evil. DURING THE END CREDITS. this would be like if they introduced harvey dent in the dark knight and then had a mid-credits scene where acid gets splashed in his face. THIS SCENE IS KINDA IMPORTANT. we can also presume that the green lantern franchise will be rebooted long before they ever make a sequel to this piece of shit.

captain america: the first avenger (2011)
director: joe johnston
this didn't really have a post-credits scene. i mean, it did, but it was actually a teaser trailer for the avengers. at least they had the good sense to put it after the credits, so future viewers can skip it if they wish. when back to the future part ii came out in 1989, it included a PRE-CREDITS trailer for 1990's back to the future part iii that's a real bitch to avoid. at the time, they were thinking that people were going to be upset by ii's cliffhanger ending, and they wanted to assure audiences that there was an end in sight. i think it really lessens the impact of iii. may 2003's the matrix reloaded also came with a post-credits teaser trailer for november 2003's the matrix revolutions. it was nothing extraordinary. and as a post-credits treat for captain america, this was par.

the avengers (2012)
director: joss whedon
the avengers had two post-credits scenes. one i think was pre-to-mid credits. it had the bad guys meeting with the mysterious character who was like in charge of them, and we see that he's a scary alien guy. some comic book fans recognized him as thanos, but most people had no idea. then there was a post-credits scene paying off a gag from earlier in the movie, and it's so well executed that it is my favorite moment in the whole film. but i consider the thanos thing to be this movie's true "end-of-movie sequel teaser," because it teases about a thing that's gonna happen in a sequel.

the amazing spider-man (2012)
director: marc webb
this is the worst one of these of all time. and this is what i'm talking about when i say these are starting to feel perfunctory. in the post-credits scene of this movie, dr. curt connors is locked in his prison cell and a mysterious shadowy figure seems to apparate in the darkness. he asks connors if spider-man knows the terrible secret about his parents. connors says no. then the figure vanishes and that's the end. i believe the most sensible theory is that this is supposed to be norman osborn, the alpha villain of the spider-man universe who is only mentioned and never seen in this movie, but we don't know because the filmmakers are being evasive. so there's nothing to get excited about with this scene, because nobody in the world knows what's happening. the only thing the scene successfully does is remind us that the movie did nothing new with the spider-man mythos except introduce a mystery that is deliberately not paid off, so they can continue to tease us with it in the sequel. i don't even want a sequel. i thought this movie was a waste, and i hope sony comes to its senses and stops making spidey movies so that the rights will revert back to marvel, where they belong.

so that's my rundown. we certainly haven't seen the last of the end-of-superhero-movie sequel teaser. i think the key to its continued success, as weird as it seems, is for it to not be a thing. don't do them because you think you have to. they should be organic, like batman begins. but don't just rip off batman begins either. 2009's street fighter: the legend of chun-li tried to be the batman begins of street fighter movies, and it lifted (among other things) the ending, wherein gen shows chun-li a newspaper article about an upcoming street fighter tournament and says they should try to recruit this guy he's heard of named ryu. i was like, no. shut up.

SMALLVILLE FOR GREEN LANTERN pilot.

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

CAROL FERRIS (14) walks up to the majestic daily planet building.

CAROL
wow. the daily planet building! it's so majestic.

she starts to take pictures. suddenly, a malfunctioning unmanned weather zeppelin, displaying error messages, crashes into the giant daily planet globe on top of the building. the globe snaps off its base and rolls off the roof.

it plummets to the streets below, set to crush carol, who is only now looking out from behind her camera lens.

just then, SUPERMAN (tom welling) shows up.

SUPERMAN
pardon me, miss. it's awfully dangerous to stand beneath falling planets.

carol gasps. superman chuckles.

SUPERMAN
not to worry. i'll just fly up... and...

something comes over superman. he drops to his knees.

SUPERMAN
your... necklace...

carol's necklace has a green rock in the middle, just like lana lang's kryptonite necklace from smallville season one. she's paralyzed with fear. just as all seems hopeless, a MYSTERIOUS BOY (14) runs in, lifts her in his arms, and takes her inside the daily planet building. he then runs back and pulls superman to safety as well. the planet crashes down safely on the empty street.

the boy rips off carol's necklace and tosses it into a sewer drain. in a moment, superman is upright.

CAROL
you saved me! and superman!

SUPERMAN
young man, i've never seen such a fearless act of heroism. maybe i should consider having a sidekick. what's your name?

the boy is about to speak when a voice cuts through the scene.

PRINCIPAL WALLER (O.S.)
jordan!

EXT. JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

the boy is standing on the front lawn of coast city junior high school as a bus pulls away. a heavyset black woman approaches. this is PRINCIPAL AMANDA WALLER.

PRINCIPAL WALLER
hal jordan! just because your father's a hotshot fighter pilot doesn't mean you have license to walk all over my grass.

HAL
sorry, principal waller.

PRINCIPAL WALLER
get back on the sidewalk. and get your head out of the clouds. your destiny's not just gonna fall out of the sky.

INT. JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

SINESTRO, hal's weirdo best friend, runs up and sticks his fist in front of hal's face.

SINESTRO
scope the new class ring, bro!

sinestro is wearing a class ring with a green synthetic emerald stone in the center.

HAL
whoa! sinestro, i thought you were gonna hit me.

SINESTRO
(intense)
i would never hit you, hal. you're my best friend.

HAL
anyway, i didn't order one.

SINESTRO
what? i thought you were so excited to get this ring!

HAL
i was. but everyone was saying how it was lame to get a class ring, so i never ordered it.

SINESTRO
by everyone, do you just mean carol ferris?

HAL
(looking down)
i don't remember.

SINESTRO
you gotta stop being afraid of what other people think. fear is weak, bro.

HECTOR, a big jock, walks up with his arm around carol. they're both wearing class rings.

HECTOR
what's up, maggots?

HAL
come on, leave us alone, hector.

HECTOR
what did you say, jordan, you loser?

HAL
nothing.

CAROL
(bitchy)
hi hal.

HECTOR
hey jordan, where's your class ring?

HAL
i didn't get one, okay!

HECTOR
no, that's not okay. i can't believe you don't want to show pride in your graduating junior high school class. you won't amount to a thing if you don't learn to be a part of something bigger than you.

hector punches hal in the stomach. hal drops some school papers and falls to the ground, gasping.

HECTOR
you're such a lame-ass, jordan. come on, carol, let's bail.

hector and carol walk away while making out.

SINESTRO
i can't believe you're in love with that rich snob carol.

HAL
(catching his breath)
shut up, dude!

principal waller happens by.

PRINCIPAL WALLER
hal jordan, pick up these papers! how do you ever expect to make something of yourself? you can't just sit around waiting for someone to die and bequeath you a great power.

waller storms away. hal gathers his papers and stands, watching all the students of coast city junior high walking past wearing their new class rings. he is the only one without one.

HAL
i'm never gonna have a cool ring.

SINESTRO
(admiring his own ring)
it's nice, but i wish they went with a yellow stone.

HAL
that doesn't make sense. the school color is green.

SINESTRO
i know, but i just think we should have yellow rings, that's all.

HAL
okay.

INT. HAL'S BEDROOM - DUSK

the room is decorated with airplane stuff, outer space stuff, and a big hot wheels track with car launcher.

hal walks in, tosses his backpack on the floor, and sprawls on his bed. he stares up at the glow-in-the-dark plastic stars glued to the ceiling. hal's father JACK pokes his head in.

JACK
hey hal. everything okay?

HAL
yeah.

JACK
good. remember, i'll always be here.

jack leaves. hal sighs and stares at the plastic stars while dht's "listen to your heart" plays.

end credits.

chalkboards, markerboards, overhead projectors.

i work at an elementary school and all the boards are white markerboards. when i was little, all the boards were chalkboards. i used to notice how the teachers' hands were always covered with chalk dust, and it would make me feel bad.

there were black chalkboards and green chalkboards. what's the difference? is one better? i never knew. green seems more normal. maybe green was better.

clapping chalkboard erasers was a guilty pleasure because it would make clouds of chalk dust. but the absolute best thing about chalkboards was ERASING THEM. everyone wanted to be the lucky son of a bitch who got to erase the chalkboard. i actually used to FANTASIZE about having someone write a bunch of shit on the chalkboard for me to erase.

i think the first time i saw a markerboard was in my sixth grade english classroom. it seemed futuristic. from then on, schools seemed to have both, until i guess markerboards became the standard.

then there were some teachers who didn't even use the board. i had an 8th grade algebra class where the teacher just did everything with thin markers on an overhead projector. the whole period was her doing algebra problems until she filled the screen, then she would give it a quick spritz and wipe the marker off with a paper towel. i was so jealous that she got to wipe the screen all day and i never got to. wiping off that screen was my dream. sometimes, she would START to wipe the screen and stop halfway through while listening to what one of the students was saying. that drove me NUTS. finish wiping the goddamn screen! she did it often enough that i would wonder if she was doing it on purpose, to draw out her wiping gratification. then when she would inevitably finish wiping, the relief was incredible. she also used to switch between red, blue, green, and purple markers, and the variety gave me tremendous pleasure.

occasionally, when wiping the screen, she would miss a tiny marker line somewhere in the corner and it was ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT. this also happens with chalkboards and markerboards. teachers need to be aware of what they're doing to students when they don't completely erase something before proceeding with a lecture. i don't even think about it when i'm teaching at a markerboard. i instinctively erase every last line whenever i erase anything. i would sooner lose my mind than not erase something completely. the thrill of getting to erase the whole board has dulled over the years. it doesn't make my day or anything. but it is nice.

and when a kid asks me if they can erase the board, i always tell them no. because i get to. then i do it and it makes me feel good. sorry, kids. maybe you should give some thought to becoming teachers, like me.

local honey.

i've been trying to eat this local raw honey to combat my allergies, but i hate it. i hate honey. it's too sweet. i've hated it since i was a little boy. i like sweets every now and again, but honey is too sweet! god dammit. god dammit i hate this honey. i hate it. i hate it so much and i don't want to eat it. fuck this honey. fuck this honey in the ass forever. honey is too sweet, okay!

candy silo.

the other day, while scoping all the candy bins at the temptations chocolate factory in alhambra, my friend asked me a question:

if you were stranded on a deserted island like tom hanks in cast away and the only thing you had to eat for the rest of your life would be like coconuts and stuff, and whatever occasional wild boar or fish you catch, but then one day you find a silo, and in that silo is an unlimited supply of candy, but it could only be one type of candy-- what candy would you want it to be?

first, let's assume melting is not an issue. like, the silo is in the middle of a cool spring that keeps the candy fresh and edible.

obviously any fruit-based candy would be a waste, because there's probably fruity stuff on the island. so you want something chocolate-based. most any chocolate candy would be welcome.

except mounds. if i found mounds in there, i would go coco-nuts.

your basic hershey bar is simple and classic. maybe you'd think at first that a fancier softer chocolate, like lindt or dove might be nicer, but i don't think that would work in the long run. eventually, you would be craving the hard low-rent chocolate of your youth.

easter bunnies would be good, because you could give them personalities and befriend them to help retain the illusion of your sanity.

they say a dark chocolate is good for your heart, but i get sick of dark chocolate after a few bites. if it was the only chocolate i had for the rest of my life, i would cry every night. and white chocolate is not technically chocolate, so you'd want to forgo that, unless we're possibly talking about cookies 'n' creme.

and now we're getting into chocolate bars with crunchy things in them. like crunch, or krackel, or mr. goodbar, or something with almonds. i'd say go for it, because you wouldn't get tired of something like almonds. it's like an extra treat with your chocolate. nothing with toffee though, because then you just won't have teeth when you die.

you'd want to stay away from a chocolate bar that only has caramel in it. eventually, the caramel would drive you insane, and i mean beyond the level of insane that you already are just from living on a deserted island (the same goes, i'm sorry to say, for reese's peanut butter cups).

peanut butter? no. marshmallow? forget it. nougat? nougat is okay. what you want to avoid like the plague is any chocolate whose filling is primarily gooey.

but if there's something else in there with the goo, then you can consider it. like, twix would be open for debate, because it also has cookie. twix was one of my go-to candies for a time. snickers is a little heavy. i don't know if you'd want to deal with a rich, chewy snickers bar every time you want to have a chocolatey treat. then again, something with a lighter filling, like three musketeers, might leave you dissatisfied in the final analysis.

kit kats are solid all the way. you could definitely handle that long term, and the ritual of breaking them apart would keep you sharp and interested.

movie theatre candies? nix junior mints, because they break my deserted island candy silo rule of goo. goobers or raisinets? your call. though you mightn't want something that would always bitterly remind you that you don't get to watch movies ever again. milk duds? you'd have to be out of your goddamn mind.

and what about the slightly more unconventional chocolate-covered treats? that's definitely something to consider. you could go for chocolate-covered gummi bears (or "muddy bears") or chocolate-covered pretzels (or "flipz"). they're not my favorite, so i wouldn't, but i wouldn't kick them out of your mouth either.

so what would i pick? it's a tough question. ever since i was a little boy, my favorite candy bar was butterfinger. i liked that it touted itself as "crispetty, crunchetty, peanut buttery." i liked that its texture was weird, unlike any other candy bar when you ate it. i liked that it was always connected to the simpsons through advertising during the show's golden age. it was like part of my identity. if ever pressed to consider my favorite candy bar, i knew that it was butterfinger. but butterfinger would be a little too extreme for hypothetical silo purposes. so even though it's like tearing off my own arm and beating a loved one to death with it, i'd have to say no to butterfingers in my candy silo.

i think the answer is m&m's. and not just any m&m's. because most m&m's variants (milk chocolate, dark chocolate, peanut butter, and pretty much every limited edition flavor) are automatic disqualifications. and if you're wondering, something like almond, pretzel, or even the defunct crispy m&m's would be okay. but i'm talking peanut. peanut m&m's.

each m&m is a self-contained treat, so you can always eat as little or as many as you want. the different colors keep you engaged, which is great for after your mind breaks. you can try to calculate which colors are more plentiful or rare and ponder the limitless implications of your findings. you can fantasize that each color tastes subtly different. you get chocolate, you get peanuts, you get a crispy candy shell. you get that courier-style m on every piece, to remind you of civilization. and more often than you'd think, you get those weird mutant m&m's where two or three have kind of fused together. the party will never stop.

so what's your candy? have you worked it out yet? more importantly, has this exercise helped you realize how lucky you are to live in a world where you have access to all manner of untold varieties of candy? you could go to the candy store tonight and fix yourself a bag of sour neon gummi worms, peach rings, and chocolate malt balls. you could score yourself some smarties, sweet tarts, airheads and warheads. or you could just treat yourself to your favorite chocolate bar.

and to think, as you read this, that tomorrow you won't have to deal with a reality where you're marooned in a place where no one will ever again see you or know you, where you will struggle to survive as long as you can before finally succumbing to an all-too-soon death, alone, forever.

presumably.

spec pilot for burger king kids club gang animated series.

INT. CLUBHOUSE - DAY

KID VID, a blonde caucasian boy wearing a digital visor, stands at a podium and addresses the gathered burger king kids club gang.

KID VID
welcome again, fellow members, to another meeting of the burger king kids club. do we have any new business?

JAWS
i do, kid vid.

JAWS, a tall black boy wearing a shirt with a picture of the planet earth on it, stands up.

KID VID
go ahead, jaws.

JAWS
well, guys, i have a problem. there's a small bit of swampland near my house where i like to go birdwatching, and i just found out the owner, mr. fisher, is going to tear it down this friday so he can rent the land out to business owners.

KID VID
maybe they'll put in a video arcade!

JAWS
no, kid vid, you don't understand. if those birds are displaced from their natural home, they might not have anywhere else to go.

SNAPS, a blonde caucasian girl holding a camera, stands up.

SNAPS
that is a problem. but i think we can help! why don't we put together a multimedia presentation for mr. fisher to persuade him to preserve the swamp as is? kid vid, you can make a slideshow on your tablet. i'll go to the swamp and take pictures of all the birds.

KID VID
good idea, snaps. lingo, why don't you design some eye-catching signs and banners so anyone who supports our cause can be there for the presentation?

we see LINGO, a hispanic boy holding an artist's pallet.

LINGO
with pleasure!

WHEELS, a caucasian paraplegic boy in a souped-up wheelchair, revs a small motor.

WHEELS
i'll start a petition and collect signatures so mr. fisher can see how many people like that swamp.

BOOMER, a redheaded girl in a sports jersey, leans over from her chair.

BOOMER
good call, wheels! i'll recruit the baseball team to help so we can cover more ground.

I.Q., a redheaded boy wearing glasses and a lime green lab coat, stands.

I.Q.
good thinking, boomer. and if mr. fisher's concerns are financial, perhaps there's a way to make that swampland profitable. i'll do some calculations in my laboratory.

JAWS
okay.

J. D., a dog wearing skateboard gear, makes a dog sound and gives a thumbs up.

KID VID
good work, everybody. now let's save this swampland!

INT. BURGER KING - DAY

the gang enters.

KID VID
helping our community is hard work, so let's get some good food.

spirited electric guitar music plays over a montage of the gang laughing and having a good time as they order some burger king kids meals and eat them. they each get a cool toy and have fun playing with their new toys together. j.d. skateboards through the restaurant.

EXT. SWAMPLAND - DAY

a demolition crew has paused before the swampland as kid vid finishes showing his presentation on a projector screen before a large crowd of artistic sign-wielding supporters.

KID VID
and so you see, mr. fisher, this swampland is more important to this community than you may have realized.

MR. FISHER, a man in a business suit and hard hat, looks around.

MR. FISHER
i never thought of it like that.

boomer stands before her fellow baseball teammates.

BOOMER
we collected over a hundred signatures for our petition to preserve this beautiful swampland.

WHEELS
don't forget these!

we see that wheels has an enormous stack of signatures.

BOOMER
wow! that's a lot of signatures!

WHEELS
i move pretty fast.

I.Q.
mr. fisher, we know this issue is not just black and white for you, and we thank you for humoring our environmental concerns, but i think you'll find there's a great value in these swamps for you. i've created a filtration system that can turn the swamp sludge from these lands into clean-burning fuel for your car.

i.q. hands mr. fisher a mechanical contraption.

MR. FISHER
i'll have my men take a look at it.

JAWS
hey, i.q., that's a pretty serious invention. you should try to patent it and take it to the auto companies. this could end the world's energy crisis and save the human species from global warming.

I.Q.
yeah, maybe.

CONSTRUCTION FOREMAN
mr. fisher, are we going to tear down this swamp or what?

mr. fisher looks out at the crowd.

MR. FISHER
no. there'll be no demolition today. this swampland isn't going anywhere!

the crowd cheers. everyone starts eating whoppers and fries. jaws turns to the kids club gang.

JAWS
thanks, guys. i couldn't have done this without you.

KID VID
that's what the burger king kids club is all about! helping each other, making a difference, great food, cool fun, kids only!

j.d. puts up his paw and kid vid high-fives it.

the letter i sent entertainment weekly (that was not published).

on page 8 of issue #1199, jess cagle issues a clear spoiler warning before discussing the walking dead. i really appreciated that. but then on page 80, you slapped the spoiler with its very own GRAPHIC right in the middle of your pop culture bullseye. do you guys put this thing together in your sleep?

not everyone has the time or resources to follow a television show as soon as it airs. your bullseye is arbitrary and lame. its greatest impact on my life is that it has just ruined a carefully-crafted milestone in a show i love. unless you guys offer some indication that you care about readers like me, i will never read your magazine again.